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The world's best golf jokes are remembered, compiled and told by one of them.

An elderly gentleman is lining up his putt on the 13th green at the TPC Las Colinas one morning when a funeral procession drives by.

He stops in mid-stroke, removes his cap, and bows his head until it passes.

His playing partner is impressed by this show of respect, and comments on it.

“It’s the least I can do,” says the old man. “After all, we were married for forty-eight years.”



A woman asks her husband, “When I die, will you quit playing golf?”

He replies, “It would take a long, long while to get over your demise, but eventually, I think I’d probably play again.”

She asks, “If you ever remarry, will it be to another woman who plays golf?”

He ponders for a while and says, “Yes, it probably would be.”

“Would you let her use my clubs?”

“No,” he says, “she’s left-handed.”



A man kneels at Confessional and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is your sin, my son?” the priest asks.

“Well,” the man begins, “I used the ‘F’-word today and I feel terrible about it. A bad example for my little boy.”

“Tell me what happened,” says the priest.

“Well, I was out golfing and I crushed a drive that felt like it was going to go 300 yards, but it hit a power line hanging over the fairway and dropped straight down.”

“I’m a golfer myself,” says the priest. “I understand what you were feeling. So this is when you swore?”

“No, Father, you see, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”

“And this is when you swore?”

“No, not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle swooped down, grabbed the rodent in his talons and flew towards a wooded area next to the green. And as he passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball.”

With growing impatience, the priest asks, “So this is when you swore, my son?”

“No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a boulder, then rolled onto the green and stopped dead, two feet from the hole.”

The priest sighs, “You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”